NAVIGATING UNMET EXPECTATIONS
ON THE BLOG WRITTEN BY LAUREN HORLICK
Some of us are planners and enjoy thinking about upcoming events, interactions, and social gatherings. It can be easy to curate a version of the event in your head and begin to get excited about what is to come. Ideally, things go according to plan! However, things will often differ from what we have imagined, and we will be left with various feelings to navigate. With the holiday season upon us, there is a high chance of experiencing a mismatch in expectations. It is natural to feel disappointment when expectations are unmet. The event, day, or conversation did not go how you envisioned it; now what?
Firstly, acknowledge and validate how you are feeling. Name your emotion, and accept that it is in response to your unmet expectations. It is okay to feel whatever emotion arises for you in these moments. Once you have identified what you are feeling, attempt to shift focus back into the here and now. It can be challenging to keep thoughts from dwelling on what did not happen, and frequent reminders to move back into the present moment may be needed (it is okay if you need to give yourself many reminders!).
When you focus on the here and now, you can return to what is inside your control. You may not be able to control the outcome of what you were hoping for or the people around you, but you can control how you outwardly and inwardly respond to unmet expectations.
When a conversation, event, or day ends, there is an opportunity to reflect. Consider whether your expectations going into the situation were realistic or if adjustments to expectations are needed moving forward. As you are reflecting, it is essential to be kind to yourself. Self-criticism (often in the form of shame, blame, and guilt) does not help! Try reflecting on the moment as factually as possible, and notice when unhelpful thought patterns attempt to emerge. While reflecting, set up action plans for the future. For example, suppose I am disappointed with a holiday party. In that case, my action plans for the future may be to invite fewer people so I am not as overwhelmed, or keep a more straightforward menu so as not to overextend my energy before the party, etc. When designing action plans, please remember that we can not control others, and our action plans must remain solely on our abilities. When done reflecting, communicate emotions if needed or if you feel it would be helpful. Share your feelings from unmet expectations with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to gain perspective and support.
Unmet expectations and disappointment are natural parts of life. Life is unpredictable! Unmet expectations can be catalysts for growth and adaptability. If you are struggling with unmet expectations or if disappointment feels overwhelming, seek guidance and support! Counseling can help you navigate unmet expectations with less distress through providing a safe space to process, setting realistic expectations, and developing coping strategies.
Coping and grounding skills will be your best friends in these moments to help you navigate effectively! If you have not yet found the best strategies for you, please talk with your counselor. They can be extremely helpful in developing and customizing coping strategies and grounding techniques that work best for you as you navigate unmet expectations.