The Four Horsemen
On the blog Written by Lauren Horlick
It may come as no surprise that through research we have determined how we communicate has the most impact the health of our relationships. Among the most important findings is a set of communication habits dubbed “the four horsemen.” The Four Horsemen are communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. Named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who signaled the end of times. These four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Chronic use of these communication strategies can cause relationships to become unstable and unhappy, and in likelihood, will end. Gottman found that when couples utilize criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or contempt during their difficult moments, they trigger what's known as the "distance and isolation cascade." This means that as a couple utilizes any of these four habits without successful "repair" over time, they will turn toward each other less and less to meet their connection needs. Of course, most people will use these habits from time to time in their relationships. None of us are immune! The key is that we recognize their use, quickly make repairs, and work toward utilizing them less and less.
The first of the four horsemen is criticism. Criticism is the act of noticing a problem within your life or the relationship and turning it into a commentary of your partner's character trait flaws. You can catch yourself using criticism when you say the words "always" or "never" when describing something your partner does or doesn't do. Criticism is different from complaint. Issuing complaints is a normal and healthy aspect of a relationship—if no one ever complains, then there will be a lot of unprocessed resentment over time. A complaint, however, focuses on the actual issue instead of your partner's character. For example, if you walk into a messy bathroom after a long day at work and see laundry on the ground instead of in the hamper, you might notice yourself feeling frustrated. When you go to express this, you will either use “criticism” or “complaint”. A complaint may sound like, “I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is frustrating for me to walk into a bathroom with clothes on the ground.” Criticism may sound like, “I am so tired, and you never seem to care. You always leave clothes on the ground in the bathroom.” Complaints focus on the problem-the clothes on the ground-while criticism makes your partner the problem. When we communicate with complaints, it is likely that our partner will become frustrated and respond with defensiveness.
The second of the four horsemen is defensiveness. Defensiveness is a reaction to perceived criticism, whether the criticism is actually there, or if it is simply a projection. When people get defensive, they might: overexplain, take on a victim mentality, counter-criticize, or use “but.” Using the example above, overexplaining may sound like, “well, I would have picked up the clothes, but when I got home my friend called and then....”. Taking on a victim mentality may sound like, “you are always to mean to me, and I can never do anything right!” Counter-criticizing may sound like, “I will start to pick up my clothes off the floor when you start cleaning your dishes out of the sink, you're always ignoring that.” And using “but” may sound like, “I know there are clothes on the floor, but can you just ignore that and chill out for tonight?” There might be a good explanation. Maybe the person is indeed being mean to you. Maybe you are right, and they never pick up their clothes off the ground. Perhaps it is true that if you chilled out, the night would be easier. However, if you become defensive, the other person will believe that their need has not been heard. This is going to likely amp up the disconnect and in return amp up the criticism. There is a time and a place to talk about your own perception, but it’s usually not in the immediate moment when someone makes an ask. Your position is less likely to be heard if you respond with defensiveness immediately.
The third of the four horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like: when someone in a conversation starts to act like a stone wall. For the person experiencing the stonewalling, it might seem like their partner doesn’t care about them. They will notice that their partner looks away, remains silent through most of the conversation, and perhaps even starts to close off with body posture. For the person stonewalling, it is likely they are in a state of physiological flooding. Physiological flooding happens when the body detects a threat. In conflict, sometimes our bodies will detect it as any other threat. This means that our body will release stress hormones, and we will start experiencing a racing heart rate. The parts of our brain responsible for relational behaviors goes “offline”. This means we dip into our survival instincts, like freezing, fighting, problem-solving, humor, or affection. If you notice that you have a tendency to dip into stonewalling, it may be a sign that you are needing a break from the conversation to regulate your nervous system. It is important to come back to the conversation once regulation has been reestablished.
The final of the four horsemen is contempt. Contempt is referred to as the most dangerous of all the four horsemen. At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse. According to Gottman’s research, contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce. It also has been connected to health issues for the partner the contempt is directed toward, including a lower immune system. Contempt is criticism supercharged because it takes a one-up position of superiority. When people have contempt, they are expressing their discontent by utilizing shame and mean- spirited sarcasm to put someone down. You can notice contempt on someone’s face when they display a look of disgust. Using the example above, contempt may sound like: “Oh of course, I walk into a filthy house after a long day. What else would I expect from someone like you? I should have known when I met your family how lazy you would turn out to be.” Contempt is developed through modeling or long-standing resentment. Some people learn to be contemptuous because they saw their caregivers utilize contempt in conflict. Because of this, it can be their go-to when they are upset. For others, contempt has developed within the relationship in response to long-standing resentment or betrayal. Rather than utilizing contempt, you’ll need to work on building new communication skills to discuss your upset feelings. Specifically, you will need to learn to talk about yourself rather than the other person when in conflict.
As mentioned earlier, everyone is bound to use one or more of the four horsemen at some point in their relationships. As you get better at identifying them, you’ll be able to repair them in the moment so that your conversations can move forward. Couple’s therapy can be a beneficial tool in identifying the four horsemen and finding adjustments in communication that are healthier for you and your partner. Wellness & Courage has several counselors who offer couple’s therapy, and who would be more than happy to help facilitate a space where you and your partner can work toward repair.