Most relationships (parent-child, partner, friend, etc.) involve "power struggles." A power struggle is not just about who gets to make decisions but about a more profound emotional battle for control, validation, and emotional security. Power struggles are common to all of us and can be painful. Power struggles might appear as arguments that feel impossible to resolve or as a persistent feeling of being stuck in repetitive patterns of conflict. Power struggles tend to cause an emotional disconnection between both parties engaged.
Power struggles emerge and take place for a variety of different reasons. Some key reasons why power struggles take place are the desire for control, unmet needs, different coping styles, unconscious/conscious activation, miscommunication, and unresolved conflict. Let's take a quick look into each key reason.
When we feel out of control, we may engage in a power struggle to gain a sense of security and establish control. When emotional and physical needs are unmet, tension and power struggles may present when expressing a desire for needs. Each person may respond with a different coping style in moments of conflict. The individual you are engaging with may become assertive or confrontational, while you may withdraw or become avoidant during moments of conflict.
These differing styles can further escalate tension and create an emotional power struggle. Old wounds and memories may trigger while interacting with others, leading to elevated emotions. When this happens, the battle often feels confusing and unresolved as our activation is from past events. When communication breaks down or issues go unresolved, emotional stress can build up, leading to repetitive conflicts and power struggles.
While power struggles can feel overwhelming at the moment, navigating them together presents an opportunity for building a deeper, more understanding relationship. Here are some things to remember to help better navigate a power struggle. Firstly, recognize the power struggle for what it is. It can be challenging to address any issue when we do not fully understand it. When heated arguments are present, attempt to pause and reflect on the emotional need underlying the argument. Is this argument about validation, control, or something else?
Secondly, practice active listening. Active listening helps both parties reduce defensiveness, allowing both to be heard and understood. A few core components of active listening include validation, mirroring, and empathy. Validation acknowledges that the other person's feelings make sense (even if you disagree). Validation honors their emotional experience and helps build respect. Mirroring involves verbally reflecting on what you have heard, including context and emotions.
Implementing mirroring helps prevent misunderstandings by allowing opportunities for clarification in conversation. In power struggles, we can express empathy by letting the other person know we understand how their feelings impact them. Empathy shifts the conversation to a shared understanding.
Thirdly, attempt to move from reactivity to responsiveness. Becoming more mindful of your reactions to triggers can prevent you from engaging in destructive behavior patterns. In moments where you are experiencing activation, try to take a deep breath before responding. Attempt to identify how to respond with curiosity and understanding instead of defensiveness or control.
Lastly, practice collaborative problem-solving. One of the key elements in a power struggle is viewing it as "me versus you." In collaborative problem solving, we shift this view toward "us versus the problem." Instead of trying to 'win' the power struggle, we change toward working together to find a solution that meets both of your needs.
Power struggles are not about winning or losing but are an opportunity to build a deeper, more resilient connection. Seeking the help and guidance of a counselor can be incredibly helpful if the power struggle feels unresolvable or emotional wounds from the past are too tricky to navigate on your own. A counselor can help you better understand your unconscious/conscious dynamics, work with you to improve communication and help identify ways to heal from past emotional wounds. Power struggles will happen, and they do not have to end a relationship or friendship.
