Parental Guilt
ON THE BLOG
September 30, 2024
Written by Lauren Horlick
Picture this: You are all ready for your first night out in over six months, but just as you get to the front door you start to feel an uneasiness in your stomach, a tightening in your chest, and a heavy heart. You start to wonder if your baby will miss you, if your partner will feed her correctly, if maybe you should just stay home…Cue the parental guilt spiral. If this scenario sounds familiar, or if you find yourself feeling anxious even just reading the above blurb, you may be having a hard time managing the guilt that often accompanies parenthood.
Guilt can and does have a reason and purpose. It can function as an interpersonal alarm system to cue us into the idea that we may be behaving in a way that is not in accordance with our values. This is what psychologist Dr. Molly Millwood calls valid guilt - it is constructive, and it serves a role. Unfortunately, the majority of parental guilt, especially excessive parental guilt, falls under the category of unfounded guilt, or guilt that arises from failing to meet internalized societal standards or expectations about parenthood. Parental guilt, gone unchecked, can become a huge distraction and issue in your life. It can interfere with your ability to be present with your child and also can lead to shame, depression, and anxiety.
Here are some tips to help you overcome parental guilt:
Identify the main sources of guilt: Start by taking a quick note on your phone every time you have a twinge of parental guilt, you may start to see patterns emerge. The area that is most triggering (whether it be feeding choices or screen time) may relate back to your own childhood. Once you identify an area you will better be able to recognize the triggers and not succumb to a wave of parental guilt.
Tease out valid guilt versus unfounded guilt: Begin to differentiate between when your behavior violates your own values or expectations (valid guilt); versus when you feel your behavior may be judged by others based on societal norms (unfounded guilt).
Stay away from the comparison game: Scrolling through social media, we are bombarded with “perfect parents”, those who seem to always be with their child in the most engaging activity. This mindless scrolling often activates our own parental guilt and causes us to compare our real life with a filtered version of others. If you find yourself feeling worse after using social media, it may be time to mute certain people or take a break.
Practice self-compassion: Parenting is hard work! Try to understand that you are trying your best, and your best may be different than your parent or neighbor and that is totally fine! Part of practicing self-compassion is taking care of yourself; whether that is a quick breathing exercise or a spa day, make time for you!
Work with a therapist: Yes, stress and guilt are common experiences for new parents, but that doesn’t mean you should have to deal with them on your own. If you feel like guilt, anxiety, or shame is taking over your life, consider reaching out for professional help. Therapy can be a place where you explore how you feel and why, it is also an opportunity to learn various coping skills to deal with intense feelings of parental guilt.